Tips for Telling your Child They Have Autism
Your Child Has Autism. When (and How) Do You Tell Him?
Parents of children with autism often struggle with why, when and how to share the diagnosis with the child; the “why” part of this issue is clear. Children deserve to know about themselves and why they may struggle. Part of the process of defining our identity is self awareness. For this reason, telling your child about his diagnosis is important and should happen naturally with repeated brief conversations.
Children who do not understand why they have certain challenges tend to think of themselves as weird or incompetent. Sensitively teaching about a diagnosis makes it less scary and gives the child power over the challenges. And while autism is a label of sorts, it is not a definition or a limitation. Moreover, autism does not define the individual. Rather than a diagnosis, it is better to regard autism as a set of traits including strengths and possible challenges. This is a good place to begin a series of conversations with your child about an autism diagnosis.
The conversations should be appropriate to your child’s age and developmental level. Children 8 years and older are probably developmentally ready to understand basic information about autism. But keep the conversations straightforward and not overly detailed. Emphasize the child’s individual talents and abilities, and then discuss the special capabilities of people with autism.
Talk about capabilities, not disabilities
For instance, people with autism can “hyperfocus” and know a great deal about things in which they are interested. Identify heroes who may have been on the autism spectrum, such as Dan Aykroyd, Albert Einstein and Leonardo da Vinci. Let your child know that the fields of computer science, math and engineering are largely occupied by people with autism traits. Make sure to emphasize that no two people with autism are alike – they just share some traits. Explaining autism in terms of capability, such as great memory and an eye for detail, rather than disability, will be less discouraging and more empowering.
Next, move on to explore specifics of autism spectrum disorder and let him or her realize that it is not an uncommon thing. In 2014, one in 68 American children had autism, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. If autism runs in the family, talk about this. Discuss how “Uncle Joe” has some of the same traits as your child. Children like to know they are not alone.
All children are unique
It also is important to address the challenges of having autism. For example, it is harder to make friends, and flexibility of thought may be difficult. Many people on the spectrum have sensory sensitivities that make it hard to be out of “the comfort zone” of home. But be careful not to make it all about the diagnosis. Your child is first and foremost a unique individual.
Some children like to talk to others about autism. There are YouTube videos, blogs and vlogs, as well as books, for children, teens and adults that are produced by people on the spectrum. Explore these resources together. There is even a character on Sesame Street that has autism. Your child may want to talk to his class about it. Or his teacher may address it as a class-wide presentation. Many teens and adults on the spectrum enjoy being part of what is referred to as “Aspie” or “nerd” culture. (Asperger Syndrome is an outdated term for someone on the mild end of the autism spectrum – hence the term “Aspie.”)
The best way to regard autism is as a lens that can be used to understand one’s way of being. Make sure your child knows that while you will expect him to be the best he can be, you accept and celebrate him just the way he is.
Pat Blackwell, Ph.D., is a developmental psychologist in practice at Pelts Kirkhart & Associates. 504.581.3933.